Zero: Good evening people, sentient objects, sentient animals, eldritch deities, and everything else in between! I'm your host Zero Kelvin, also known as CTA-031; or if you're old, you know me as (Noise akin to Radio Static); I would like to welcome you all to the annual Anomaly Clout Award ceremony. Now, you might be wondering how you got here and what is happening, and to those who are… Takes a more menacing tone Sit back and watch the show. Now, due to me being the host I have decided to exempt my three friends and me from this little competition, they will be joining me as co-hosts of this little event. To hand out tonight's first award, the Anomaly Calamity Award, first up, my beautiful wife, Yuri Scarlett.
(A woman covered in scars with long brunette hair and red eyes walks onto the stage)
Yuri: Kisses Zero Hello everyone~ I'm Yuri, also known as CTA-013, or The One With Many Faces, or the Witch, or… I could go on and on. I'm here to announce the winner of this year's Anomaly Calamity Award and to make it fair to all you little folks in containment, I'm not eligible. This award has been given out to the anomaly who's caused the most chaos and destruction throughout the year, my favourite kind of anomaly; however, first, we must announce the two runner-ups for this position; first, we've got my… least favourite candidate… Aether; despite your… slightly mediocre performance every couple of years, this year's 040 event was at an all-time low due to the Corporation's meddling, but I'm sure nobody but your pathetic little church is disappointed that you lost… bitch.
(A woman with flowing white hair and amber eyes gets up on stage)
Aether: I'm at my wits end with you, you short-sighted imbecilic deviant. I would lay you out right here if it wouldn't dirty my pure form. You're going to take back your rude slights against my perfect self, or do you want the Corporation to know that you're-
(Zero claps his hands, causing Aether to disappear)
Zero: Tone returns to being menacing Sit back and shut up
Yuri: With a satisfied and chipper tone Back to the awards. Our second runner-up for the Anomaly Calamity Award is CTA-003. After several containment breaches of CTA-003 instances, the anomalies have racked up an admittedly impressive kill count of one hundred twenty-four thousand six hundred and thirteen people, as well as a staggering ten million dollars in damages. Despite this impressive display of calamity over the calendar year, wonderfully, this next anomaly takes that record and utterly blows it out of the water~ Allow me to introduce CTA-059, death itself; I know what some of you are thinking, "Oh, but death isn't an anomaly." And for you fuckers, I'd like to introduce to you, straight from Limbo, Des Numen, God of Death himself.
(Spotlights get shone on an incomprehensible mass of bones and rainbow fire in a VIP booth)
Des Numen: The only reason I am here, is to get out of Limbo for the remainder of this ceremony, and I am starting to wonder if that was a mistake.
(Spotlights shine back on Yuri)
Yuri: Back to the most important deity here. Due to CTA-059 causing the deaths of over sixty million people this year, not to mention all the animals, plants, and such; it is no surprise that CTA-059 won this award. An award appears in front of Des Numen That wraps up my section of the ceremony, I'm sure you'll all miss seeing my face~
(Yuri kisses Zero and hops off the stage)
Zero: What an amazing lady. Anyways, onto our next category, the Abnormality Criminality Award. This award will be given out by my good friend Cor, take it away.
(A man with short brown hair and purple eyes walks onto the stage)
Cor: Hello everyone. I am Cor. I would like to make it clear, that the 'winner' of this particular competition will not be receiving an award, but judgement instead. As in line with the previous award, we will be announcing the two runner-ups to this one; to those that are runner-ups, I would suggest you make the conscious decision to change your ways before next year. This category is judged based on the number and severity of crimes committed by an individual anomaly. Our first runner-up is the anomaly known by The Philosopher; they hold a substantial position of power in the Elenchos Parasiton. The Philosopher has orchestrated the deaths of several hundred human lives, both anomalous and non-anomalous; they also have a substantial record of property damage, animal abuse, and insider trading; unfortunately, I am unable to judge you as of now, but I suggest you change your ways. Our second runner-up is none other than Aether, again; Aether would be charged with several accounts of inciting violence, conspiracy, defamation, and several other charges we do not have time to mention; I am incredibly disappointed in you, given your status of power, and the fact you sustain yourself as a pure deity.
(Aether jumps back on stage in a huff)
Aether: Listen here you self-righteous prick; I'll have you know that as a deity, I need not conform to silly little laws created by my lessers.
Cor: Need I bring up the several laws created by yourself for your religion, which you have broken on several occasions? Not to mention the hypocrisy of your statement. Need I act up your crimes?
Aether: Well… Scoffs You! Ugh!
(Aether returns to her seat in a fit of rage)
Cor: Onto the main event. The 'winner' of this competition is CTA-014, who has committed an extensive list of crimes. To start with, CTA-014 has violated the laws of reality, caused the extinction of several species, committed omnicide on several planets, is guilty of biological and chemical warfare, committed several crimes which I'm not allowed to mention as per Zero's instructions, and has killed several deific entities. I will now distribute your punishment.
Zero: Wait. I want to see if they deserve it.
Cor: They do… Sighs Just do what you want.
Zero: CTA-014, what's better, Heaven Sent, or Hell Bent?
CTA-014: What are you talking about you Silly Billy? Tee hee, the only things I know about those are the beings I sent there :D
Zero: Burn 'em.
(Cor gets off the stage and vanishes with CTA-014)
Zero: What a stand-up guy. Next up, the Deviation Emancipation Award, presented by my best friend, Eden; remember what we talked about, don't be nervous.
(A woman with short red hair covering her right eye, with pink eyes nervously gets up on the stage)
Zero: Claps Go Eden!
Eden: Erm… Hello everyone. I'm… Eden, or the Goddess of Life. I'll be announcing the… Deviation Emancipation Award? Yeah. Um… Like the last two awards… We'll announce the runner-ups. This category is… about anomalies who have done good for the people around them… I think. Our first runner-up… Is CTA-066-1? But CTA-066-2 requests she go by Aevitas. Despite the undoubted amount of damage she has caused… um… Aevitas has assisted several individuals in their recoveries, and uh… yeah. Our next runner-up is… uh… The Cataloguer, who has assisted in the containment of… uh… several dangerous anomalies? As well as supplying medical supplies to… Corporation bases of operation, and donating to several charities. I… uh… the winner… um…
Zero: Eden, remember, pretend you're speaking to nobody.
Eden: Yeah, yeah, I just… um…
Zero: Do you want someone to help you?
Eden: Yeah… That'd be nice…
(Zero snaps, causing Aether to manifest on stage)
Zero: You've been so loud all evening, you might as well do something, and remember, be nice, especially to your sister.
Aether: Lears at Zero Fine, but no more relocating me.
Zero: Deal.
(Zero and Aether shake hands)
Aether: Now, let's get down to it.
(Eden shares a note card with Aether)
Aether: With a look of genuine sympathy Just signal when it's too much.
Eden: Nods Uh… Back to the event. Our winner of the Deviation Emancipation Award… uh… is CTA-077? Erm… Eden stares at the audience with a terrifying expression before nudging Aether
Aether: CTA-077, despite its appearance, is a living being who has contained several anomalies, however, its reason for deserving this award above any other anomalous individual is the entity's assistance in the containment of a potentially world-ending anomaly. Scoffs I contain myself, don't I?
Zero: Doing the bare minimum doesn't count.
Aether: Ugh… Fine… Eden, be a dear and give the… living ship its prize… because it's so much better than me, right?
(Eden runs off stage with the award)
Zero: Back to your seat.
Aether: Fine.
(Aether returns to her seat)
Zero: Said in a threatening manner A great performance, right? Clears throat Our next, and final award, will be given out by myself. This award is titled the Anomalous Powerhouse Award, but unfortunately for you guys, this award is only available to anomalies currently classified under the CTA Corporation; sorry Des Numen and Aether. Now, let's list our top three powerhouses, with obvious exclusions being Yuri, Eden, Cor, and I, as well as CTA-059, at number three, we've got CTA-040, an anomaly created by Aether, capable of affecting the entire sky of the planet Earth, turning anyone who gazes upon it into a worshiper of the Goddess herself; nice handiwork if I do say so myself. Next, in second, we've got the one, the only, CTA-014, capable of wiping entire planets on a whim, with strength rivalled by few other than the Gods themselves. And lately but certainly not least, we have, the very concept of eternity itself, a never-ending struggle in which the only escape is losing that which is important to you, CTA-017, a fate which I subject to very few.
(Zero grabs a trophy before making it disappear)
Zero: I need not explain my decision further. That concludes this evening, you will all return to your previous locations, goodbye.
(With a snap of his fingers, Zero makes everyone disappear)
Zero: And as for you, you have no idea what's in store. His tone changes to be much lighter Welp, now to go home and sleep with my wife, literally.